oh man

cos the more i know, the more i pretend not to know.

hmm

so i just finished reading a super touching manga....yay it totally made my day :) i was just randomly scribbling words on the paper when i suddenly remembered those days when i used to spend so much time on things that i firmly believed. it was amazing, and to me it might be one of the most beautiful memories one could every experience...i wouldn't say that i lack those beliefs nowadays, but it'll never be as simple as it was back then. lol, i should probably stop here before i get all sentimental and start weeping about the passage of time and happiness as an illusion haha. so here's the truth: compared to who i am right now, i kinda prefer the person who lives in my memories. but still, i would rather move on than to go back, i always do.

Why Georgia

在生活中，我们常常问自己： ”为什么？” 为什么我在这里，为什么我在做这件事，为什么我爱这个人，为什么这个人却不爱我。我们问了那么多的为什么，我们走过了那么多迷茫的道路，但是现在，我们还是找不到答案。 可我们却没有想过，也许人生根本就没有答案？ 寻找是一个过程，可是有时候它也是一个答案。人生所给予我的痛楚和快乐，我都应当平静地接受。失败不是成功之母，失败是痛苦的，是无法让人释怀的，但是它是无法逃避的。我们失败了，但是我们不是失败者。我们可以站起来，然后向世人证明，我们回来了。 这本不是我的答案，这是我前进的过程，我从未达到过我的目的地，但我一直在不断地追赶。于是，这就变成了我的答案。 在这苍茫大地，快乐到底是什么？我想，许多人都会说家庭，事业，金钱，名誉。也许吧，世俗对快乐的定义一样是如此的一致。但是，为什么我们一定要把快乐定义成这些东西呢？快乐和痛苦一样，它只是我们所经历的一种情愫，它不应该被任何东西所定义。一个美满的家庭会让我们快乐，但是它不代表快乐。它只是我们心中用来达到快乐的物件。成功的事业？它会让我们的生活十分的美好，但是它也不是快乐。快乐其实并不存在，它只是我们心中的向往，渴望。它是我们本身欲望膨胀后所形成的所谓的“生命的意义”。我们之所以把快乐解释为这些东西，是因为我们害怕一个空虚，没有意义的生活。所以，我们告诉自己，我们活着就是为了寻找快乐，快乐就是我们人生的答案，找不到幸福的青鸟，我们的人生就没有了意义。 何必呢？为什么我们要如此执着地去寻找快乐，为什么不能停下来品尝那些细微的东西。 为什么不去呼吸一下新鲜的空气，去触碰一下萌芽的新叶，为什么不去体验一下鸟语花香。或者，为什么不去逛逛肮脏的集市，为什么不去观赏一下繁忙的人流，为什么不要触碰那雨后的泥土？是的，它会弄脏你的手，但是它可以洗涤你的心灵，只要你能够品尝它外表背后的美丽。 一花一世界，一叶一菩提。这世界本来就是如此的简单，千年下来，一切皆未变，变的是我们的灵魂。 我们不该追寻快乐，而是应该寻找自我。找到了自我，我们就接受了生活中的酸甜苦辣，接受了美丽与不美丽的食物，我们可以坦然面对过去的失败和未来的未知，我们自然也找到了心灵的归宿--那所谓的快乐。 所以，快乐不是一个微笑，那只是一中短暂的美好，真正的快乐包含了不快乐，不美满，它满载我们在生活中所体验的艰辛，痛苦，无奈，失落，迷茫。。。因为只有当我们发现了这些瑕疵，我们才能够欣赏真正的美丽。 我并不快乐，但这不重要，因为快乐从来不是我人生的追求和意义，我所寻找的，是一个诚实的，自由的灵魂。我不需要被一个“快乐” 的枷锁所束缚，但是我承认，有时候，在夜深人静的时候，我会轻轻地问自己: "为什么？”

Double Vision

YAYYYY finally eoy ended! :) So I'm sure how that'll turn out, but yeah I'm having some fun right now! WHEEEE finally got to play audi, and downloaded all the music that i LOVE, oh yeah. GOTTA ADMIT HOW PRETTY IPHONE MUSIC NOW LOOKS. a year is ending soon, and to be honest, i'll really miss this year. regardless of the outcome, it will be a year where i grow, learn and become more mature and understand myself better. I might still be very naive, but at least i'm slowly to realize the meaning of life. It's a journey of self-discovery, and i'm all in for it :) Well,i'm not gonna make a to-do list for my next year, because there's still plenty of time for that, but all i'm saying is just i'm glad that i am what i am today, and even though i wished that i could change that sometimes, in the end i'll just accept myself as who i am. And i'll continue to doubt myself, but when i do so i will do it without self-denial but rather, motivation--the kind of motivation to work harder and fight for my dreams. ALRIGHT, LET'S GO MAN!! FORGET ABOUT ALL THE SHIT FROM THE PAST AND LET A NEW CHAPTER BEGIN. I'M UP ALL NIGHT TO GET LUCKY :)

No Subtle Man

it's 11.59pm. No, it really is 11.59pm. I am sitting in my room, listening to No Subtle Man. "No lifelong friend, lives in my time." She says. Perhaps she's right. Everything I have now might not mean anything 10 years later, and i might not even be the same person i am right now. But honestly, who cares? I was feeling horrible, but now i just decided to forget it and feel awesome instead. Forget about this crazy world, i don't need to weep or whine anymore. I'm sick of being sick of this world. I don't even hate this world that much, I simply refuses to understand its ugliness that costs me so much pain. I'm sorry for being such an asshole, I'm sorry for being ridiculously sentimental, ridiculously cynical, I'm even sorry for feeling sorry. I should have known better? It's either to survive or to perish. If I can't live with determination and faith, then I am not living at all. I am nothing but a soulless creature, because I have failed to be who I am supposed to be. I believe that there is a Creator, someone out there, who's watching us and observing us closely. I believe that because no matter how much we try to discover ourselves, there are always parts of a human experience which you cannot truly comprehend, and we will never really understand those things. But for now, I'm just gonna live for myself. I'll definitely live with burdens, but if it's the kind of path I have to go through, I am all for it. There's no way to hide, so forget about stupid self-pity and take the challenge. No Subtle Man.

Skyscraper

When I try to go back to the past, I always end up feeling hurt and insecure. I'm thinking too much of those painful things, even though half of the pain from my own definitions and guesses. Sometimes I would be wondering what has changed over the years, and if I am still the same person I perceived myself to be years ago. The answer is always the same: no. I've changed in many ways, I have become weaker, I think too much when it's unnecessary, and yet I can be so naive when things turn complicated. I always try to lock myself up when the world deceives me, and there seems to be no other ways to rant about all the heartbreak I've felt than to confess them to a certain person, or at a certain place. Honestly, my sorrow is nobody's fault but my own, but it's ridiculous that I can never acknowledge this fact. I blame too many people for my weakness, I blamed my parents, I blamed my friends, I blamed those who are the closest to me, I hurt them and I end up get wounded up myself. I'm falling from the paradise, and bit by bit, my vision becomes unclear and cloudy, and everything seems to be surrounded by a layer of fog, I can't pull through, and I refuse to pull through. There are very few people whom I truly love in this world, so few that I chose not to see their preciousness, so few that I even pushed them away at some point of time. I once trusted someone deeply, almost believing in everything I see,but in the end the reality hit me hard and my faith slowly disintegrate into pieces. But now, just right now, because I can't speak for the future, I feel sincere, and even though I still have many burdens on my shoulder I have learned to carry on in life not out of numbness but out of the ultimate belief that life is beautiful. We exist for a reason. It might not be a good reason, it might not even be conceivable, but it's a reason worth reaching for, and I'm reaching for it. I'm sure that this is not the end of my journey, it's just a beginning, it's a brand new start, and I'm learning to cope with this start, just like entering another stage in metamorphosis. I'm not strong, I'm not capable, I'm not even confident of myself all the time, but I'm alive, and I'm real. A thousand times i aksed myself WHY? and a thousand times I found no answer, but maybe after ten thousand, twenty thousand, fifty thousand times of trying, I will find an answer to this WHY?. I look forward to that day, when I'm truly free and living. But until that day comes, I will protect myself, and those whom I love, because they are everything worth fighting for, everything worth living for. Tonight, if i shall be crying, then i shall be crying and smiling. I shall be crying for the past, for all the times that I was mistaken and misunderstood. I shall be crying for the sadness and sorrow, the heartbreak and the agony. But moreover, I shall be crying over the tears I spilled for those memories and the moments I wasted in life regretting my decisions. Hence, I shall be smiling, I shall be smiling for the present and the future, for hope perhaps, for light perhaps, for the beautiful things that I have experienced and more beautiful things that are yet to come. But maybe, these are not truly what I'm smiling for. Maybe, just maybe, I'm smiling because there's no reason I'm smiling simply for the fact that I exist, and life itself is a mystery and since my existence makes up a part of life, then I have been, and will be a part of this mytery. and since I am a part of this mystery, I, Am, Magical.

净土

五年前，我埋藏了自己对过去的依赖，埋葬了少年不知愁滋味的多愁善感，埋葬了自己灵魂深处的唯一的那份坦荡。 我埋葬了自己的一切，然后指着那个大大的，空虚的，尚未被填补的洞，对自己说：“看，这是你最后的净土”。 五年后，我又回来了。 物是人非，风水轮流转。 我在此刻寂静的夜里，轻轻地回到了这片净土。承载了太多的泪水，太说的光阴，原谅我无法向你娓娓道来，这些日子里的一切就连我自己都如鲠在喉，难以言语。 不是太痛，而是痛得不明不白，痛得让人迷茫。 越是这样的痛，就越刻骨铭心，令人咬牙切齿。 我恨得太多，以至于如今已经恨不起来。 我爱得太多，以至于如今已经不知道什么才是真爱。 不过是想好好地将这五年回忆，却发现自己什么都记不起来。这是我的悲哀，但我却未曾向任何人诉说。 不能说别人不懂我的心，很多人都能猜到我的心思，因为我从未刻意遮掩。但是他们猜到的，是他们眼中的我，而真正的我，是他们眼里反射出的一道光影，稍纵即逝，永远都无法被扑捉，更不要说被了解。 我不需要什么，真心而已。而这世上，又有什么比真心要更为稀有？ 我是谁，一个无名小卒罢了，所谓的真心，也自然是找不到了。 而也正因为如此，如今的我，望着我生记忆中唯一的一块净土，早已不知所措，惶恐至极。 所谓的净土，也只是我五年来一段封印的曲子，罢了。

Past

Reading blog posts from the past, i was really surprised. Yes, i have changed. It has only been 3 years, but everything feels different now. I am no longer who i used to be, i no longer speak like how i used to speak, and my heart has become entirely different from the past. I'm not old enough to groan about the passage of time and how everyone gets old, but i believe that i should at least open up about my true feelings. The WYZ 3 years old, JoJo, seemed happy, optimistic, self-reflective and everything that resembles uprightness. And the person that's writing this post right now, is a crazy asshole who has no idea what she's going through and rants about every single thing that has happened to her, every misfortune that she has suffered, every tear that she has shed, every pain and heartbreak that she has gone through, every single sentiment that she locks up inside her heart. They are overwhelming. They have corroded my joy and poisoned my heart. Let's face it, I am no longer who i used to be, and i hate it. I remember the days when i would get excited just by seeing the sunset glow. I would shriek in excitement and smile like a fool. I would take picture of it and even call out to people to capture that beautiful moment. But when was the last time i have done such a thing? i couldn't remember.

Falling slowly

Take this sinking boat, and point it home, we still got time. --Falling Slowly These days, everything just flowed past slowly, steadily. Time is taking its course like it should and gradually, my heart is depleted with feelings. A part of me is broken, and i know that it will never recover. Tears won't do it, nor will any cry of help. It's a funny thing how those sentiments can just accumulate inside, unknown, unheard, unearthed. What am i supposed to feel when everyone else is laughing but all i wanna do is to cry? Don't give me that look, even though it hurts, i will never admit it and you know that. Our sufferings won't end until we surrender,and to give up is something i'll do sooner or later. When the show ends, the music stops and the people are gone, what other choice am i left with? it won't work to keep lying to myself, and as much as i pretend, i'm still a coward. i can never tell someone how i truly feel face to face, and even if i did, i would regret it immediately. and i don't blame anyone for giving me a stern response, such as "yes, thanks", because i probably appeared to be nonchalant and cold to them myself. WHEN I'M HERE LIVING THIS LIFE, DOING THIS SHIT, ALL I EVER WANT IS TO BE WITH YOU. BUT YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW. i have fallen for you, and i'm still falling, i can't go back, i won't. even if it's 10 years later, 20 years later, even if our paths don't cross at all, and we forget about each other in life, i will still fall for you the moment i recall your face again, over and over again. Time is nothing to me, time is lifespan, it's death, but it's love and memory as well. With all the people here, all i can ever ask for is your hand. To save me from this despair, and to bring me to another dream.