Past

Reading blog posts from the past, i was really surprised. Yes, i have changed. It has only been 3 years, but everything feels different now. I am no longer who i used to be, i no longer speak like how i used to speak, and my heart has become entirely different from the past. I'm not old enough to groan about the passage of time and how everyone gets old, but i believe that i should at least open up about my true feelings. The WYZ 3 years old, JoJo, seemed happy, optimistic, self-reflective and everything that resembles uprightness. And the person that's writing this post right now, is a crazy asshole who has no idea what she's going through and rants about every single thing that has happened to her, every misfortune that she has suffered, every tear that she has shed, every pain and heartbreak that she has gone through, every single sentiment that she locks up inside her heart. They are overwhelming. They have corroded my joy and poisoned my heart. Let's face it, I am no longer who i used to be, and i hate it. I remember the days when i would get excited just by seeing the sunset glow. I would shriek in excitement and smile like a fool. I would take picture of it and even call out to people to capture that beautiful moment. But when was the last time i have done such a thing? i couldn't remember.

Falling slowly

Take this sinking boat, and point it home, we still got time. --Falling Slowly These days, everything just flowed past slowly, steadily. Time is taking its course like it should and gradually, my heart is depleted with feelings. A part of me is broken, and i know that it will never recover. Tears won't do it, nor will any cry of help. It's a funny thing how those sentiments can just accumulate inside, unknown, unheard, unearthed. What am i supposed to feel when everyone else is laughing but all i wanna do is to cry? Don't give me that look, even though it hurts, i will never admit it and you know that. Our sufferings won't end until we surrender,and to give up is something i'll do sooner or later. When the show ends, the music stops and the people are gone, what other choice am i left with? it won't work to keep lying to myself, and as much as i pretend, i'm still a coward. i can never tell someone how i truly feel face to face, and even if i did, i would regret it immediately. and i don't blame anyone for giving me a stern response, such as "yes, thanks", because i probably appeared to be nonchalant and cold to them myself. WHEN I'M HERE LIVING THIS LIFE, DOING THIS SHIT, ALL I EVER WANT IS TO BE WITH YOU. BUT YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW. i have fallen for you, and i'm still falling, i can't go back, i won't. even if it's 10 years later, 20 years later, even if our paths don't cross at all, and we forget about each other in life, i will still fall for you the moment i recall your face again, over and over again. Time is nothing to me, time is lifespan, it's death, but it's love and memory as well. With all the people here, all i can ever ask for is your hand. To save me from this despair, and to bring me to another dream.