Skyscraper

When I try to go back to the past, I always end up feeling hurt and insecure. I'm thinking too much of those painful things, even though half of the pain from my own definitions and guesses. Sometimes I would be wondering what has changed over the years, and if I am still the same person I perceived myself to be years ago. The answer is always the same: no. I've changed in many ways, I have become weaker, I think too much when it's unnecessary, and yet I can be so naive when things turn complicated. I always try to lock myself up when the world deceives me, and there seems to be no other ways to rant about all the heartbreak I've felt than to confess them to a certain person, or at a certain place. Honestly, my sorrow is nobody's fault but my own, but it's ridiculous that I can never acknowledge this fact. I blame too many people for my weakness, I blamed my parents, I blamed my friends, I blamed those who are the closest to me, I hurt them and I end up get wounded up myself. I'm falling from the paradise, and bit by bit, my vision becomes unclear and cloudy, and everything seems to be surrounded by a layer of fog, I can't pull through, and I refuse to pull through. There are very few people whom I truly love in this world, so few that I chose not to see their preciousness, so few that I even pushed them away at some point of time. I once trusted someone deeply, almost believing in everything I see,but in the end the reality hit me hard and my faith slowly disintegrate into pieces. But now, just right now, because I can't speak for the future, I feel sincere, and even though I still have many burdens on my shoulder I have learned to carry on in life not out of numbness but out of the ultimate belief that life is beautiful. We exist for a reason. It might not be a good reason, it might not even be conceivable, but it's a reason worth reaching for, and I'm reaching for it. I'm sure that this is not the end of my journey, it's just a beginning, it's a brand new start, and I'm learning to cope with this start, just like entering another stage in metamorphosis. I'm not strong, I'm not capable, I'm not even confident of myself all the time, but I'm alive, and I'm real. A thousand times i aksed myself WHY? and a thousand times I found no answer, but maybe after ten thousand, twenty thousand, fifty thousand times of trying, I will find an answer to this WHY?. I look forward to that day, when I'm truly free and living. But until that day comes, I will protect myself, and those whom I love, because they are everything worth fighting for, everything worth living for. Tonight, if i shall be crying, then i shall be crying and smiling. I shall be crying for the past, for all the times that I was mistaken and misunderstood. I shall be crying for the sadness and sorrow, the heartbreak and the agony. But moreover, I shall be crying over the tears I spilled for those memories and the moments I wasted in life regretting my decisions. Hence, I shall be smiling, I shall be smiling for the present and the future, for hope perhaps, for light perhaps, for the beautiful things that I have experienced and more beautiful things that are yet to come. But maybe, these are not truly what I'm smiling for. Maybe, just maybe, I'm smiling because there's no reason I'm smiling simply for the fact that I exist, and life itself is a mystery and since my existence makes up a part of life, then I have been, and will be a part of this mytery. and since I am a part of this mystery, I, Am, Magical.