Past

Reading blog posts from the past, i was really surprised. Yes, i have changed. It has only been 3 years, but everything feels different now. I am no longer who i used to be, i no longer speak like how i used to speak, and my heart has become entirely different from the past. I'm not old enough to groan about the passage of time and how everyone gets old, but i believe that i should at least open up about my true feelings. The WYZ 3 years old, JoJo, seemed happy, optimistic, self-reflective and everything that resembles uprightness. And the person that's writing this post right now, is a crazy asshole who has no idea what she's going through and rants about every single thing that has happened to her, every misfortune that she has suffered, every tear that she has shed, every pain and heartbreak that she has gone through, every single sentiment that she locks up inside her heart. They are overwhelming. They have corroded my joy and poisoned my heart. Let's face it, I am no longer who i used to be, and i hate it. I remember the days when i would get excited just by seeing the sunset glow. I would shriek in excitement and smile like a fool. I would take picture of it and even call out to people to capture that beautiful moment. But when was the last time i have done such a thing? i couldn't remember.

Falling slowly

Take this sinking boat, and point it home, we still got time. --Falling Slowly These days, everything just flowed past slowly, steadily. Time is taking its course like it should and gradually, my heart is depleted with feelings. A part of me is broken, and i know that it will never recover. Tears won't do it, nor will any cry of help. It's a funny thing how those sentiments can just accumulate inside, unknown, unheard, unearthed. What am i supposed to feel when everyone else is laughing but all i wanna do is to cry? Don't give me that look, even though it hurts, i will never admit it and you know that. Our sufferings won't end until we surrender,and to give up is something i'll do sooner or later. When the show ends, the music stops and the people are gone, what other choice am i left with? it won't work to keep lying to myself, and as much as i pretend, i'm still a coward. i can never tell someone how i truly feel face to face, and even if i did, i would regret it immediately. and i don't blame anyone for giving me a stern response, such as "yes, thanks", because i probably appeared to be nonchalant and cold to them myself. WHEN I'M HERE LIVING THIS LIFE, DOING THIS SHIT, ALL I EVER WANT IS TO BE WITH YOU. BUT YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW. i have fallen for you, and i'm still falling, i can't go back, i won't. even if it's 10 years later, 20 years later, even if our paths don't cross at all, and we forget about each other in life, i will still fall for you the moment i recall your face again, over and over again. Time is nothing to me, time is lifespan, it's death, but it's love and memory as well. With all the people here, all i can ever ask for is your hand. To save me from this despair, and to bring me to another dream.

Just Wanna Say

I just wanna tell you, that even if you we are separated by distance, even if we've never met, even if we might not even see your face in the future, i'll be there for you no matter what. No matter how old we become, or how weary we get, no matter how much sadness or loneliness we've been through, just don't ever give up, don't ever give in. And remember, that this love is real. 25/12/12

Heartbreak is the present you gave me

It's not that i don't care, it's not that i don't bother. It's not that the tears could dry on their own, when your heart is still bleeding in pain. It's not that i can forget, so easily the day we met. It's not that i choose to be this way, despite my countless pleadings in vain. Many nights have passed, and many nights will pass, with you in my dreams, my eyes my mind. There's to use to erase that memory, nor will i attempt to fill in the gap. Your shadow will always fall on the empty space next to me. Baby, listen, the world is calling, you and me. But you can't see it, no you refuse to believe. I surrender my love to you, only to receive you coldest glance. If nothing can change your mind, then be it, the way we break. The days that we've wasted, and the future that will no longer be remembered. My sincerity lies in the way i speak, but your rejection stings me as heavily as it could be. I will be torn to pieces, but I will not shed a single tear. A promise that i've made for you, is something that will always stay true. As sour as it can be, and as bitter as i feel, you will never understand my pain, and the love and longings i feel for you. So be it, my friend. For now we are no less strangers than friends, and friendship is such a fragile thing, to be broken in a second or a minute more. I have once loved you, with passion and with truth. But the day has come, when our hearts are filled with anger and apology. But i will love you, and knowing that somewhere you will be reminded of me, is enough for me to continue this journey. With, or without you, my love. There's no need for drama, no need for another talk. My birthday has passed, and heartbreak is the present you gave me. -~-

SAD SAD DAY

TODAY IS SUCH A SAD DAY, WE SCREWED UP OUR PERFORMANCE, (THERE ARE MANY FACTORS INVOLVED, SO I SHOULD JUST FORGET ABOUT THAT) AND AFTER A TIRING DAY OUTSIDE, I WENT HOME AND ATE MY DINNER FOR 30 MINUTES. AND THEN THE RESULT IS OUT....WE DIDN'T GET IN =.= i just feel like fucking the world when i see the result, especially when i know perfectly that i deserve to win. i hate this fact. i hate this feeling, i hate everything that has slipped from my hands, but there's nothing i can do right now. It's like i'm forever on this cycle of failure, forever struggling to get to the top, forever trying so hard but failing again. I have no idea how i manage to be so stupid, but i just did. I was so fucking disappointed in myself that i cried. Maybe this trauma will take a super long time to recover, but after all this time, after all the effort, i just thought that i would get something in return, and not just an empty email box. i don't want those broken hearts and lies anymore, i wish that things can be changed, not for the world, but for me. It's not fair how i lost my dream, my motivation, how am i supposed to continue like this? how am i supposed to smile like nothing happened, when the best part of me is gone? i will never be able to face others the same way as before, i would become a coward, even more cowardly than i already was. PLEASE, DON'T DO THIS TO BE, GOD, IF YOU CAN EVER HEAR ME. DON'T TAKE AWAY MY SOLE MOTIVATION, MY SOLE DREAM AND PASSION, DON'T LET ME FALL SO HARD, GIVE ME HOPE TO RISE UP AGAIN, EVEN IF IT'S JUST A LITTLE BIT OF HAPPINESS, I NEED YOU RIGHT NOW, AND I PRAY FOR YOUR GUIDANCE.

Fruity Loops

Okay guys i've decided!!!! I am going to buy Fruity Loops! :) Yup, i don't care if it's hard to use, i like it, and i feel that it suits me too. So i'm gonna get myself a new laptop and then Fruity Loops~and i'm gonna buy a microphone. That's right!!!

Caterpillar! :)

Hey there! :) Today was a quite tiring day (considering that i slept at 2 for the past 2 days) and i had a lot of work to do....but anyway, i almost fell asleep during LA lesson today and it was super hard trying to concentrate when i dont really care about she's saying. And i totally blanked out during chem, hahahaha okay >< Anyway....what's interesting was the recess part :P so Lovell and i went to top up our printing account, and then on the way to canteen we found this caterpillar lying on the staircase near the canteen. I was quite bored and upon the PROMPTING of Lovell, i took out my tissue and scoped up the Caterpillar *screams* muahahahah~~~ I didn't know what to do with it, so i just played with it by dropping it on the floor and then picking it up again (the tissue, i mean) and to be honest i was kinda scared of it, but i just got used to it after a few minutes and i started to walk around the canteen and along the corridor to scare random ppl i see hahahahahahaha you have no idea how funny it is to see the horrified expression of people walking past! i mean, i don't even know them, but i really wanted to LAUGH OUT LOUD when they gasped in horror upon the sight of MY awesome caterpillar~!! WHEEEE~~~oh and a lot of ppl screamed like it was a bomb something =.= but it was sorta expected from a girls school like ours, LMAO. HEHEHEHEHE NOW I FEEL REALLY PROUD OF MYSELF. I SHOULD JUST GIVE MYSELF THE NAME OF PRANKSTER. i wasn't so naughty in sec1 and sec2, so what happened to me now??? oh man...hahahahaha anyway...it was quite fun :) and being a nature-lover, i have to say that caterpillars are beautiful creatures with mesmerizing beauty that deserves to be appreciated by us the blunt and foolish human beings!! that's right, respect to caterpillars yo! :D oh and we showed it to her too :P