No Subtle Man

it's 11.59pm. No, it really is 11.59pm. I am sitting in my room, listening to No Subtle Man. "No lifelong friend, lives in my time." She says. Perhaps she's right. Everything I have now might not mean anything 10 years later, and i might not even be the same person i am right now. But honestly, who cares? I was feeling horrible, but now i just decided to forget it and feel awesome instead. Forget about this crazy world, i don't need to weep or whine anymore. I'm sick of being sick of this world. I don't even hate this world that much, I simply refuses to understand its ugliness that costs me so much pain. I'm sorry for being such an asshole, I'm sorry for being ridiculously sentimental, ridiculously cynical, I'm even sorry for feeling sorry. I should have known better? It's either to survive or to perish. If I can't live with determination and faith, then I am not living at all. I am nothing but a soulless creature, because I have failed to be who I am supposed to be. I believe that there is a Creator, someone out there, who's watching us and observing us closely. I believe that because no matter how much we try to discover ourselves, there are always parts of a human experience which you cannot truly comprehend, and we will never really understand those things. But for now, I'm just gonna live for myself. I'll definitely live with burdens, but if it's the kind of path I have to go through, I am all for it. There's no way to hide, so forget about stupid self-pity and take the challenge. No Subtle Man.

Skyscraper

When I try to go back to the past, I always end up feeling hurt and insecure. I'm thinking too much of those painful things, even though half of the pain from my own definitions and guesses. Sometimes I would be wondering what has changed over the years, and if I am still the same person I perceived myself to be years ago. The answer is always the same: no. I've changed in many ways, I have become weaker, I think too much when it's unnecessary, and yet I can be so naive when things turn complicated. I always try to lock myself up when the world deceives me, and there seems to be no other ways to rant about all the heartbreak I've felt than to confess them to a certain person, or at a certain place. Honestly, my sorrow is nobody's fault but my own, but it's ridiculous that I can never acknowledge this fact. I blame too many people for my weakness, I blamed my parents, I blamed my friends, I blamed those who are the closest to me, I hurt them and I end up get wounded up myself. I'm falling from the paradise, and bit by bit, my vision becomes unclear and cloudy, and everything seems to be surrounded by a layer of fog, I can't pull through, and I refuse to pull through. There are very few people whom I truly love in this world, so few that I chose not to see their preciousness, so few that I even pushed them away at some point of time. I once trusted someone deeply, almost believing in everything I see,but in the end the reality hit me hard and my faith slowly disintegrate into pieces. But now, just right now, because I can't speak for the future, I feel sincere, and even though I still have many burdens on my shoulder I have learned to carry on in life not out of numbness but out of the ultimate belief that life is beautiful. We exist for a reason. It might not be a good reason, it might not even be conceivable, but it's a reason worth reaching for, and I'm reaching for it. I'm sure that this is not the end of my journey, it's just a beginning, it's a brand new start, and I'm learning to cope with this start, just like entering another stage in metamorphosis. I'm not strong, I'm not capable, I'm not even confident of myself all the time, but I'm alive, and I'm real. A thousand times i aksed myself WHY? and a thousand times I found no answer, but maybe after ten thousand, twenty thousand, fifty thousand times of trying, I will find an answer to this WHY?. I look forward to that day, when I'm truly free and living. But until that day comes, I will protect myself, and those whom I love, because they are everything worth fighting for, everything worth living for. Tonight, if i shall be crying, then i shall be crying and smiling. I shall be crying for the past, for all the times that I was mistaken and misunderstood. I shall be crying for the sadness and sorrow, the heartbreak and the agony. But moreover, I shall be crying over the tears I spilled for those memories and the moments I wasted in life regretting my decisions. Hence, I shall be smiling, I shall be smiling for the present and the future, for hope perhaps, for light perhaps, for the beautiful things that I have experienced and more beautiful things that are yet to come. But maybe, these are not truly what I'm smiling for. Maybe, just maybe, I'm smiling because there's no reason I'm smiling simply for the fact that I exist, and life itself is a mystery and since my existence makes up a part of life, then I have been, and will be a part of this mytery. and since I am a part of this mystery, I, Am, Magical.

净土

五年前，我埋藏了自己对过去的依赖，埋葬了少年不知愁滋味的多愁善感，埋葬了自己灵魂深处的唯一的那份坦荡。 我埋葬了自己的一切，然后指着那个大大的，空虚的，尚未被填补的洞，对自己说：“看，这是你最后的净土”。 五年后，我又回来了。 物是人非，风水轮流转。 我在此刻寂静的夜里，轻轻地回到了这片净土。承载了太多的泪水，太说的光阴，原谅我无法向你娓娓道来，这些日子里的一切就连我自己都如鲠在喉，难以言语。 不是太痛，而是痛得不明不白，痛得让人迷茫。 越是这样的痛，就越刻骨铭心，令人咬牙切齿。 我恨得太多，以至于如今已经恨不起来。 我爱得太多，以至于如今已经不知道什么才是真爱。 不过是想好好地将这五年回忆，却发现自己什么都记不起来。这是我的悲哀，但我却未曾向任何人诉说。 不能说别人不懂我的心，很多人都能猜到我的心思，因为我从未刻意遮掩。但是他们猜到的，是他们眼中的我，而真正的我，是他们眼里反射出的一道光影，稍纵即逝，永远都无法被扑捉，更不要说被了解。 我不需要什么，真心而已。而这世上，又有什么比真心要更为稀有？ 我是谁，一个无名小卒罢了，所谓的真心，也自然是找不到了。 而也正因为如此，如今的我，望着我生记忆中唯一的一块净土，早已不知所措，惶恐至极。 所谓的净土，也只是我五年来一段封印的曲子，罢了。

Past

Reading blog posts from the past, i was really surprised. Yes, i have changed. It has only been 3 years, but everything feels different now. I am no longer who i used to be, i no longer speak like how i used to speak, and my heart has become entirely different from the past. I'm not old enough to groan about the passage of time and how everyone gets old, but i believe that i should at least open up about my true feelings. The WYZ 3 years old, JoJo, seemed happy, optimistic, self-reflective and everything that resembles uprightness. And the person that's writing this post right now, is a crazy asshole who has no idea what she's going through and rants about every single thing that has happened to her, every misfortune that she has suffered, every tear that she has shed, every pain and heartbreak that she has gone through, every single sentiment that she locks up inside her heart. They are overwhelming. They have corroded my joy and poisoned my heart. Let's face it, I am no longer who i used to be, and i hate it. I remember the days when i would get excited just by seeing the sunset glow. I would shriek in excitement and smile like a fool. I would take picture of it and even call out to people to capture that beautiful moment. But when was the last time i have done such a thing? i couldn't remember.

Falling slowly

Take this sinking boat, and point it home, we still got time. --Falling Slowly These days, everything just flowed past slowly, steadily. Time is taking its course like it should and gradually, my heart is depleted with feelings. A part of me is broken, and i know that it will never recover. Tears won't do it, nor will any cry of help. It's a funny thing how those sentiments can just accumulate inside, unknown, unheard, unearthed. What am i supposed to feel when everyone else is laughing but all i wanna do is to cry? Don't give me that look, even though it hurts, i will never admit it and you know that. Our sufferings won't end until we surrender,and to give up is something i'll do sooner or later. When the show ends, the music stops and the people are gone, what other choice am i left with? it won't work to keep lying to myself, and as much as i pretend, i'm still a coward. i can never tell someone how i truly feel face to face, and even if i did, i would regret it immediately. and i don't blame anyone for giving me a stern response, such as "yes, thanks", because i probably appeared to be nonchalant and cold to them myself. WHEN I'M HERE LIVING THIS LIFE, DOING THIS SHIT, ALL I EVER WANT IS TO BE WITH YOU. BUT YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW. i have fallen for you, and i'm still falling, i can't go back, i won't. even if it's 10 years later, 20 years later, even if our paths don't cross at all, and we forget about each other in life, i will still fall for you the moment i recall your face again, over and over again. Time is nothing to me, time is lifespan, it's death, but it's love and memory as well. With all the people here, all i can ever ask for is your hand. To save me from this despair, and to bring me to another dream.

Just Wanna Say

I just wanna tell you, that even if you we are separated by distance, even if we've never met, even if we might not even see your face in the future, i'll be there for you no matter what. No matter how old we become, or how weary we get, no matter how much sadness or loneliness we've been through, just don't ever give up, don't ever give in. And remember, that this love is real. 25/12/12

Heartbreak is the present you gave me

It's not that i don't care, it's not that i don't bother. It's not that the tears could dry on their own, when your heart is still bleeding in pain. It's not that i can forget, so easily the day we met. It's not that i choose to be this way, despite my countless pleadings in vain. Many nights have passed, and many nights will pass, with you in my dreams, my eyes my mind. There's to use to erase that memory, nor will i attempt to fill in the gap. Your shadow will always fall on the empty space next to me. Baby, listen, the world is calling, you and me. But you can't see it, no you refuse to believe. I surrender my love to you, only to receive you coldest glance. If nothing can change your mind, then be it, the way we break. The days that we've wasted, and the future that will no longer be remembered. My sincerity lies in the way i speak, but your rejection stings me as heavily as it could be. I will be torn to pieces, but I will not shed a single tear. A promise that i've made for you, is something that will always stay true. As sour as it can be, and as bitter as i feel, you will never understand my pain, and the love and longings i feel for you. So be it, my friend. For now we are no less strangers than friends, and friendship is such a fragile thing, to be broken in a second or a minute more. I have once loved you, with passion and with truth. But the day has come, when our hearts are filled with anger and apology. But i will love you, and knowing that somewhere you will be reminded of me, is enough for me to continue this journey. With, or without you, my love. There's no need for drama, no need for another talk. My birthday has passed, and heartbreak is the present you gave me. -~-