the cliff

Yesterday I had a weird dream. I dreamed of faces I don't know, places I have never been to and things that I have never done. I was struggling in the dream, I was fighting, kicking, running and chasing. If that's all the dream was about, I would have accepted it with a smile and forgotten about it by now. But it wasn't. There was so much more to this dream that I would ever know, everything was mixed up with overwhelming emotions, confusions and distortions. I felt a strong sense of longing and yet I didn't know why. So I cried. I cried because I saw you fall from that cliff, your body vanishing from my sight. I cried because a part of me died the moment you disappeared, and a part of me raged in the most unfathomable way. When you fell, what fell with you was my hope of the happy life we could have lived together,my key to freedom and my escape. I don't even know who you are, and yet the moment I saw you, I felt like you are the meaning I've been searching for. If life was a movie, my scene only begins when you enters. And yet it lasted only for a fleeting moment, and before I knew it, you have fell from the cliff.

oh man

cos the more i know, the more i pretend not to know.

hmm

so i just finished reading a super touching manga....yay it totally made my day :) i was just randomly scribbling words on the paper when i suddenly remembered those days when i used to spend so much time on things that i firmly believed. it was amazing, and to me it might be one of the most beautiful memories one could every experience...i wouldn't say that i lack those beliefs nowadays, but it'll never be as simple as it was back then. lol, i should probably stop here before i get all sentimental and start weeping about the passage of time and happiness as an illusion haha. so here's the truth: compared to who i am right now, i kinda prefer the person who lives in my memories. but still, i would rather move on than to go back, i always do.

Why Georgia

在生活中，我们常常问自己： ”为什么？” 为什么我在这里，为什么我在做这件事，为什么我爱这个人，为什么这个人却不爱我。我们问了那么多的为什么，我们走过了那么多迷茫的道路，但是现在，我们还是找不到答案。 可我们却没有想过，也许人生根本就没有答案？ 寻找是一个过程，可是有时候它也是一个答案。人生所给予我的痛楚和快乐，我都应当平静地接受。失败不是成功之母，失败是痛苦的，是无法让人释怀的，但是它是无法逃避的。我们失败了，但是我们不是失败者。我们可以站起来，然后向世人证明，我们回来了。 这本不是我的答案，这是我前进的过程，我从未达到过我的目的地，但我一直在不断地追赶。于是，这就变成了我的答案。 在这苍茫大地，快乐到底是什么？我想，许多人都会说家庭，事业，金钱，名誉。也许吧，世俗对快乐的定义一样是如此的一致。但是，为什么我们一定要把快乐定义成这些东西呢？快乐和痛苦一样，它只是我们所经历的一种情愫，它不应该被任何东西所定义。一个美满的家庭会让我们快乐，但是它不代表快乐。它只是我们心中用来达到快乐的物件。成功的事业？它会让我们的生活十分的美好，但是它也不是快乐。快乐其实并不存在，它只是我们心中的向往，渴望。它是我们本身欲望膨胀后所形成的所谓的“生命的意义”。我们之所以把快乐解释为这些东西，是因为我们害怕一个空虚，没有意义的生活。所以，我们告诉自己，我们活着就是为了寻找快乐，快乐就是我们人生的答案，找不到幸福的青鸟，我们的人生就没有了意义。 何必呢？为什么我们要如此执着地去寻找快乐，为什么不能停下来品尝那些细微的东西。 为什么不去呼吸一下新鲜的空气，去触碰一下萌芽的新叶，为什么不去体验一下鸟语花香。或者，为什么不去逛逛肮脏的集市，为什么不去观赏一下繁忙的人流，为什么不要触碰那雨后的泥土？是的，它会弄脏你的手，但是它可以洗涤你的心灵，只要你能够品尝它外表背后的美丽。 一花一世界，一叶一菩提。这世界本来就是如此的简单，千年下来，一切皆未变，变的是我们的灵魂。 我们不该追寻快乐，而是应该寻找自我。找到了自我，我们就接受了生活中的酸甜苦辣，接受了美丽与不美丽的食物，我们可以坦然面对过去的失败和未来的未知，我们自然也找到了心灵的归宿--那所谓的快乐。 所以，快乐不是一个微笑，那只是一中短暂的美好，真正的快乐包含了不快乐，不美满，它满载我们在生活中所体验的艰辛，痛苦，无奈，失落，迷茫。。。因为只有当我们发现了这些瑕疵，我们才能够欣赏真正的美丽。 我并不快乐，但这不重要，因为快乐从来不是我人生的追求和意义，我所寻找的，是一个诚实的，自由的灵魂。我不需要被一个“快乐” 的枷锁所束缚，但是我承认，有时候，在夜深人静的时候，我会轻轻地问自己: "为什么？”

Double Vision

YAYYYY finally eoy ended! :) So I'm sure how that'll turn out, but yeah I'm having some fun right now! WHEEEE finally got to play audi, and downloaded all the music that i LOVE, oh yeah. GOTTA ADMIT HOW PRETTY IPHONE MUSIC NOW LOOKS. a year is ending soon, and to be honest, i'll really miss this year. regardless of the outcome, it will be a year where i grow, learn and become more mature and understand myself better. I might still be very naive, but at least i'm slowly to realize the meaning of life. It's a journey of self-discovery, and i'm all in for it :) Well,i'm not gonna make a to-do list for my next year, because there's still plenty of time for that, but all i'm saying is just i'm glad that i am what i am today, and even though i wished that i could change that sometimes, in the end i'll just accept myself as who i am. And i'll continue to doubt myself, but when i do so i will do it without self-denial but rather, motivation--the kind of motivation to work harder and fight for my dreams. ALRIGHT, LET'S GO MAN!! FORGET ABOUT ALL THE SHIT FROM THE PAST AND LET A NEW CHAPTER BEGIN. I'M UP ALL NIGHT TO GET LUCKY :)

No Subtle Man

it's 11.59pm. No, it really is 11.59pm. I am sitting in my room, listening to No Subtle Man. "No lifelong friend, lives in my time." She says. Perhaps she's right. Everything I have now might not mean anything 10 years later, and i might not even be the same person i am right now. But honestly, who cares? I was feeling horrible, but now i just decided to forget it and feel awesome instead. Forget about this crazy world, i don't need to weep or whine anymore. I'm sick of being sick of this world. I don't even hate this world that much, I simply refuses to understand its ugliness that costs me so much pain. I'm sorry for being such an asshole, I'm sorry for being ridiculously sentimental, ridiculously cynical, I'm even sorry for feeling sorry. I should have known better? It's either to survive or to perish. If I can't live with determination and faith, then I am not living at all. I am nothing but a soulless creature, because I have failed to be who I am supposed to be. I believe that there is a Creator, someone out there, who's watching us and observing us closely. I believe that because no matter how much we try to discover ourselves, there are always parts of a human experience which you cannot truly comprehend, and we will never really understand those things. But for now, I'm just gonna live for myself. I'll definitely live with burdens, but if it's the kind of path I have to go through, I am all for it. There's no way to hide, so forget about stupid self-pity and take the challenge. No Subtle Man.

Skyscraper

When I try to go back to the past, I always end up feeling hurt and insecure. I'm thinking too much of those painful things, even though half of the pain from my own definitions and guesses. Sometimes I would be wondering what has changed over the years, and if I am still the same person I perceived myself to be years ago. The answer is always the same: no. I've changed in many ways, I have become weaker, I think too much when it's unnecessary, and yet I can be so naive when things turn complicated. I always try to lock myself up when the world deceives me, and there seems to be no other ways to rant about all the heartbreak I've felt than to confess them to a certain person, or at a certain place. Honestly, my sorrow is nobody's fault but my own, but it's ridiculous that I can never acknowledge this fact. I blame too many people for my weakness, I blamed my parents, I blamed my friends, I blamed those who are the closest to me, I hurt them and I end up get wounded up myself. I'm falling from the paradise, and bit by bit, my vision becomes unclear and cloudy, and everything seems to be surrounded by a layer of fog, I can't pull through, and I refuse to pull through. There are very few people whom I truly love in this world, so few that I chose not to see their preciousness, so few that I even pushed them away at some point of time. I once trusted someone deeply, almost believing in everything I see,but in the end the reality hit me hard and my faith slowly disintegrate into pieces. But now, just right now, because I can't speak for the future, I feel sincere, and even though I still have many burdens on my shoulder I have learned to carry on in life not out of numbness but out of the ultimate belief that life is beautiful. We exist for a reason. It might not be a good reason, it might not even be conceivable, but it's a reason worth reaching for, and I'm reaching for it. I'm sure that this is not the end of my journey, it's just a beginning, it's a brand new start, and I'm learning to cope with this start, just like entering another stage in metamorphosis. I'm not strong, I'm not capable, I'm not even confident of myself all the time, but I'm alive, and I'm real. A thousand times i aksed myself WHY? and a thousand times I found no answer, but maybe after ten thousand, twenty thousand, fifty thousand times of trying, I will find an answer to this WHY?. I look forward to that day, when I'm truly free and living. But until that day comes, I will protect myself, and those whom I love, because they are everything worth fighting for, everything worth living for. Tonight, if i shall be crying, then i shall be crying and smiling. I shall be crying for the past, for all the times that I was mistaken and misunderstood. I shall be crying for the sadness and sorrow, the heartbreak and the agony. But moreover, I shall be crying over the tears I spilled for those memories and the moments I wasted in life regretting my decisions. Hence, I shall be smiling, I shall be smiling for the present and the future, for hope perhaps, for light perhaps, for the beautiful things that I have experienced and more beautiful things that are yet to come. But maybe, these are not truly what I'm smiling for. Maybe, just maybe, I'm smiling because there's no reason I'm smiling simply for the fact that I exist, and life itself is a mystery and since my existence makes up a part of life, then I have been, and will be a part of this mytery. and since I am a part of this mystery, I, Am, Magical.